No matter where life leads us, to the good... or the not so good, life always gives us decisions to make. Some of the decisions we make are important and some just don't really matter at all, these decisions I like to call "daily"decisions, as they are often the decisions we unconsciously make everyday.
Daily decisions: What to wear? - Whether to get a glass or drink out of the carton?
Important decisions: What job to take? - Whether to watch a building burn or calling the fire department?
Though I may have put a slight comical spin on these examples, decision making has never been a "funny" topic for me. Much more of a hated chore or in some cases an absolute ball busting, stress enabling and sleep depriving event. At one stage in my life, even just having to choose where my friends and I would eat for lunch, was a stress-coaster for me. So last year when I had to decide whether to continue living in Christchurch or to start a new life in Auckland, it was fair to say I was not in "my happy, stress free place." This was a hard, but very important decision I had to make.
Looking back now, the decision I made to move to Auckland wasn't actually a hard decision to make. I knew it was what I needed to do and where I was being called to go in life. It was executing the decision that was the hard part. Firstly I had the tough job of having to break the news to everyone in Christchurch. Then after their dismay and disagreement with my choice, still choosing to stick with my original decision and continue to plan my move to Auckland, despite knowing I was disappointing/hurting people I loved and sacrificing so much as well.
The sacrifice of leaving my family, friends, church and job. Leaving the place where I had lived my entire life, where all my memories were made, the place that was familiar to me, the place that was comfortable to me. Knowing I would have to find a place to live, get a new job, find a new church and make new friends... and there was no guarantee that I would actually get and find all of this. So in my eyes I was risking possibly becoming a bum, who lived on the streets, had no money and had no friends. (Possibly a slightly dramatic outcome to think of).
Seven months on from my decision to move to Auckland, I have an amazing church I'm apart of, I am at a job that I maybe just slightly addicted to, I have a flat less than 5 years old, located centrally to church and my work. I live with great flatmates, who have also become my friends and as far as friends go in Auckland, I have more friends than I thought I would have after living a half a decade in a new city! So the initial sacrifice of leaving Christchurch isn't such a big list now. Now it's just discovering how these new friends will fit into the scheme of my life and allowing myself to create close, meaningful friendships.
"People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime."
26 April 2013
12 December 2011
Disguise
The sun was shinning though it hid behind the clouds.
It left a dark shadow upon us, weighing us down every movement we made.
A shadow which many have hanging over them and yet so many don't understand.
We held hands and began to grip our way through, sometimes even seeing sunshine and sharing a true laugh or two. But the clouds got darker and became thicker among us, and slowly drifted us apart.
I saw you moving towards the sun and as I had your promise you gave to me, so close to my heart, no fear got in its way.
But I was so blind, so naive and so stupid to not see the words you told me were only a disguise. That same disguise I'd always used.
And when you left the sun went with you and those dark clouds surrounded me as the storms began to come. The earth I stood on began to crumble and I started to fall and spiral into that lonely, dark pit. The rain showered down on me, ever drop a reminder of my stupidity and because of it your gone...
It left a dark shadow upon us, weighing us down every movement we made.
A shadow which many have hanging over them and yet so many don't understand.
We held hands and began to grip our way through, sometimes even seeing sunshine and sharing a true laugh or two. But the clouds got darker and became thicker among us, and slowly drifted us apart.
I saw you moving towards the sun and as I had your promise you gave to me, so close to my heart, no fear got in its way.
But I was so blind, so naive and so stupid to not see the words you told me were only a disguise. That same disguise I'd always used.
And when you left the sun went with you and those dark clouds surrounded me as the storms began to come. The earth I stood on began to crumble and I started to fall and spiral into that lonely, dark pit. The rain showered down on me, ever drop a reminder of my stupidity and because of it your gone...
09 November 2011
Fresh Start
The last time I posted it was June 11th this year and the post, in fact the last three posts were all so far from how I view things today that I had to remove them. I wrote about why God wasn't real and how angry I was that I had lived a "lie" for my whole life believing he did exist. "You're just a nice idea." "A beautiful lie." Was my main points in these past blogs. I was so hurt, so disappointed and I had this passionate anger towards God and Christianity. I felt ripped off to say the least.
It is now November and looking back at my past posts, I am ashamed at myself for thinking God didn't exist. My creator, my saviour and the only one who understands me and loves me unconditionally, despite me being such an ass.
Many of you are angry and annoyed at my decision to be in a relationship with God again. You hate that I go to church, that I act differently and how I'm trying to stop drinking. Some of you have gone so far as to not associate with me anymore. But you know what, when I left God, my Christian friends didn't leave me, they didn't get angry at me or my decision. Sure they didn't approve of it, but they loved me just the same. More importantly, my God never stopped loving me. Even though I laughed at him and denied his existence.
Life is still hard and is a struggle to work through, just as it was before. But now I have hope... hope that some day I'll be happy and set free from my past. Finally I have a reason to live my life.
I'm sorry if you feel that I have let you down with my decision to follow Christ, it was never my intention to anger or disappoint any of you, but I found truth and I can't run away from what I know is true.
It is now November and looking back at my past posts, I am ashamed at myself for thinking God didn't exist. My creator, my saviour and the only one who understands me and loves me unconditionally, despite me being such an ass.
Many of you are angry and annoyed at my decision to be in a relationship with God again. You hate that I go to church, that I act differently and how I'm trying to stop drinking. Some of you have gone so far as to not associate with me anymore. But you know what, when I left God, my Christian friends didn't leave me, they didn't get angry at me or my decision. Sure they didn't approve of it, but they loved me just the same. More importantly, my God never stopped loving me. Even though I laughed at him and denied his existence.
Life is still hard and is a struggle to work through, just as it was before. But now I have hope... hope that some day I'll be happy and set free from my past. Finally I have a reason to live my life.
I'm sorry if you feel that I have let you down with my decision to follow Christ, it was never my intention to anger or disappoint any of you, but I found truth and I can't run away from what I know is true.
09 May 2011
16 April 2011
Only Lyrics Can Describe
I don't know if this is a time where there's "light at the end of the tunnel" or "just a bridge that I've got to burn." I know that I want there to be the brightest light shinning through this tunnel of despair. I just don't know how to get there. "It's like a pencil with erasers at both ends," each step of progress I make, seems to be rubbed out before I make my next step. "I don't believe in the smile that you leave, when you walk away and say goodbye." It just seems like your habitual nice ways. But could that just be me being over paranoid?
Metaphorically speaking, "I don't understand, your love is so cold, it's always me who reaches out for your hand." You seem to just conveniently "swallow me, then spit me out." It's like your a leech sucking the life from me." "And I know I let you have all the power," so I only have myself to blame for allowing you to be such an impact on me and "I know that your true to me, you're always there, you say you care..." but it really just feels like "you washed away the best of me and that you really don't care" and "now all that's left of me, is who I pretend to be."
I'm not blaming you, but "your profanities pulled me into insanity." I'm not the same since times with you, I do things I just don't want to do, things that were never me...but it's all because I love you. I couldn't ever handle the thought of getting left behind, so I do all that I hate, just to get by. If you knew how much thought, effort and time I put into you, maybe things would be different? I carefully analyse every action and word I speak and do, when I'm with or around you. I want to be the best I can for you. But I'm so far from that...so I triple my efforts and do more than most would do. Only because you are worth my time, my effort, my tears and everything.
If I could catch every tear I cried for you, there would be a sea of my tears.
"I used to be scared of letting someone in, but it gets so lonely being on my own, no one to talk to, no one to hold me, I'm not always strong...Ohh I need you here," because I'm nothing without you. So if things don't get better, I'll be on my way, I'll wear my coin necklace and be gone from here.
Maybe I'll see you in another time, in another place.
Though I'll be gone, I'll love you.
I'm sorry I let you down.
Metaphorically speaking, "I don't understand, your love is so cold, it's always me who reaches out for your hand." You seem to just conveniently "swallow me, then spit me out." It's like your a leech sucking the life from me." "And I know I let you have all the power," so I only have myself to blame for allowing you to be such an impact on me and "I know that your true to me, you're always there, you say you care..." but it really just feels like "you washed away the best of me and that you really don't care" and "now all that's left of me, is who I pretend to be."
I'm not blaming you, but "your profanities pulled me into insanity." I'm not the same since times with you, I do things I just don't want to do, things that were never me...but it's all because I love you. I couldn't ever handle the thought of getting left behind, so I do all that I hate, just to get by. If you knew how much thought, effort and time I put into you, maybe things would be different? I carefully analyse every action and word I speak and do, when I'm with or around you. I want to be the best I can for you. But I'm so far from that...so I triple my efforts and do more than most would do. Only because you are worth my time, my effort, my tears and everything.
If I could catch every tear I cried for you, there would be a sea of my tears.
"I used to be scared of letting someone in, but it gets so lonely being on my own, no one to talk to, no one to hold me, I'm not always strong...Ohh I need you here," because I'm nothing without you. So if things don't get better, I'll be on my way, I'll wear my coin necklace and be gone from here.
Maybe I'll see you in another time, in another place.
Though I'll be gone, I'll love you.
I'm sorry I let you down.
02 February 2011
Teacher
Dear Friend
Thank you for being my teacher. The way you pulled me down, used me and had full control over me, taught me to stick up for myself and to not be the door mat I have always been. You have made me so much stronger! You were right for calling me "useless." It was useless of me, allowing you to walk all over me when you pleased. But because of your amazing teaching I was able to change that.
It is funny how you think you gained so much out of me and left me with nothing. When really I'm the richer one. You unknowingly taught me so much and when people saw your true colours you were left with hardly anyone and I still had a mass amount of true friends. Even ones you tried to scare off with your lies, they still stuck with me.
Thank you for pushing me and making me fall even more, when I was already falling. Don't count on me to catch you anymore... even if you come back crying, I'm done with letting you back into my life. I forgive you and I will sadly always care and love you. But I've let go of you now and you won't hold me back any longer.
Thank you for being my teacher. The way you pulled me down, used me and had full control over me, taught me to stick up for myself and to not be the door mat I have always been. You have made me so much stronger! You were right for calling me "useless." It was useless of me, allowing you to walk all over me when you pleased. But because of your amazing teaching I was able to change that.
It is funny how you think you gained so much out of me and left me with nothing. When really I'm the richer one. You unknowingly taught me so much and when people saw your true colours you were left with hardly anyone and I still had a mass amount of true friends. Even ones you tried to scare off with your lies, they still stuck with me.
Thank you for pushing me and making me fall even more, when I was already falling. Don't count on me to catch you anymore... even if you come back crying, I'm done with letting you back into my life. I forgive you and I will sadly always care and love you. But I've let go of you now and you won't hold me back any longer.
18 January 2011
Confused
Hold me!
I just need to know you're near, because then everything will be okay.
So if you hold me with your words, your company or just in your arms, I'll know that you truely care.
I'm so confused I don't understand how the people we call friends, turn on us and leave us on the ground.
I don't trust anyone anymore, I just can't afford to be hurt again. But if you hold me, in your own personal way, I will know to trust you because I will know it will be okay.
I promise you, my best friend, though they turned on us, left us hurt and confused, I will hold you with my words, with my company and even in my arms if I have to.
It's going to be okay... It has to be.
I just need to know you're near, because then everything will be okay.
So if you hold me with your words, your company or just in your arms, I'll know that you truely care.
I'm so confused I don't understand how the people we call friends, turn on us and leave us on the ground.
I don't trust anyone anymore, I just can't afford to be hurt again. But if you hold me, in your own personal way, I will know to trust you because I will know it will be okay.
I promise you, my best friend, though they turned on us, left us hurt and confused, I will hold you with my words, with my company and even in my arms if I have to.
It's going to be okay... It has to be.
30 November 2010
I Will Be The Best I Can Be For Them
It's pretty hard to identify whether people are friends with you for what you have or who you are. But when you live through hell and lose everything, leaving you with nothing left to give. When the bank runs dry, the jokes disappear, there's no energy and you're generally furthest from yourself than you have ever been.... That is when you can truly identify those true friends that are with you for you, not for what you have. They are the people that love you no matter what you go through. They care for you and drop almost anything just to keep you happy. These friends are extremely rare, but when found, it is like finding gold! When you find one of these rare friends it is very important to: 1. Forgive them when they make mistakes, because even the most amazing people do have their times when they fall. Never hold grudges against these kinds of friends, because truth is they'll probably never hold a grudge against you. 2. Help them through everything! Little, big and in between. Just listening is sometimes the most powerful tool. People want to feel as if what they say matters and true friends need to feel like they matter! 3. Show them as much appreciation as you can, be grateful for everything and anything they do for you... no matter how small. 4. Lastly never ever let this friend go, like I said before they are very rare and aren't replaceable! So hold onto them tightly and treasure their friendship with your life.
Thankfully I can say that I have found some truly amazing friends, friends that have stuck with me when I actually had nothing at all and changed into someone I didn't even know. Thing is, they didn't just stick with me, but they loved me and supported me in ways I can't comprehend. For these friends I would give them the world and do absolutely anything for them. They deserve the best and I am far from the best, but I will do all I can to be the best I can be for them.
Thankfully I can say that I have found some truly amazing friends, friends that have stuck with me when I actually had nothing at all and changed into someone I didn't even know. Thing is, they didn't just stick with me, but they loved me and supported me in ways I can't comprehend. For these friends I would give them the world and do absolutely anything for them. They deserve the best and I am far from the best, but I will do all I can to be the best I can be for them.
12 November 2010
Your words travelled to me in the wind
I'd do anything for you, anything at all.
I'd drop anything for you, and run for miles just to get to you.
I'd get anything for you, no matter how hard it is to find, I'll search as long as it takes.
I'd do anything for you, anything at all, your wish is my command...
And even though what you said, breaks my already broken heart, I still love you and I always will. Though you don't know that I am breaking, because of the painful truth of your words that travelled to me in the wind, I still won't let on that I know and if it must be, I will just let you go. I'll let go of your hand and the tears will stream as I walk away, from a friendship that I thought would never end. But as long as your happy, that is all that matters to me.
I'd do anything for you, anything at all, no matter how painful or hard it may be, your wish is my command
I'd drop anything for you, and run for miles just to get to you.
I'd get anything for you, no matter how hard it is to find, I'll search as long as it takes.
I'd do anything for you, anything at all, your wish is my command...
And even though what you said, breaks my already broken heart, I still love you and I always will. Though you don't know that I am breaking, because of the painful truth of your words that travelled to me in the wind, I still won't let on that I know and if it must be, I will just let you go. I'll let go of your hand and the tears will stream as I walk away, from a friendship that I thought would never end. But as long as your happy, that is all that matters to me.
I'd do anything for you, anything at all, no matter how painful or hard it may be, your wish is my command
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)